Letter XLVIII.

From: Love-Letters of Margaret Fuller, 1845-1846
Author:
Published: 1903 New York

MY DEAR FRIEND,

  Last month brought me a letter which repaid for long waiting, your letter from Rome, full of soul and sweetness as ever was yourself in the best hours of our life together last spring.

  How I do wish I could answer to it as I ought, as I would, but unhappily this last day before preparing for the March steamer has brought me one of my bad headaches, of which I have not before had one for some time, and I feel paralyzed, not myself. I think, however, you may prefer having such a letter as I can write to none at all.

  I feel hope that you may by this time be at home with mother and brethren and that the next steamer may bring me a leaf to tell of your pilgrimage, and how the home of your childhood looks after it, and after the long separation. I feel as if it might be a sad survey, the changes must have been so very great; but I want to hear all.

  I hope to have this part, before you can receive this, but when you do, write quick in reply, and tell me of your plans. When do you return to the United States? A plan which I mentioned to you in an earlier letter is now matured and if nothing unexpected intervenes, I shall with Mr. and Mrs. Spring leave here for England by the middle of August. We are going also to Germany, France and Italy. I expect to stay a year; they may travel longer. Shall I not see you all that time? Shall you not return here before I go, or if not shall we not meet in some place the other side of the water?

  I rather think the latter by your sending for Josey. Answer decisively whether you will have him sent the 1st May. The Greeleys break up from our dear old place then. Mrs. Greeley will have no objection to parting with him.

  I have paid dear for your love. Let it be immortal, and if we meet no more, let it shine on me from the distance with a steady and cheering ray. It was pure and fresh as the blossoms amid which it grew, and if it never comes to fruit, let it, at least, forever bloom as they in memory.

  Yes, do write to Mrs. Greeley a good and full letter, but do not, I counsel you, speak of her coming to Germany. But write as a friend. Her child is one of the finest imaginable. I love him much and he me no less.

  I send through Mr. Benson, Tribunes containing your letters; the last describing ancient Rome I did not publish. Every object in the Eternal City is too familiar to the reading public. I wish you had sent, instead, the letter on modern Rome, for your observations on what you personally meet are always original and interesting. I hope you will write yourself out in letters on Egypt and Palestine and not describe objects which, there also, have already been described many times.

  Yourself, yourself.

  The rose from Shelley’s grave would have been dear to me, but somehow in opening the letter I lost the rose and when I had finished could find only the green leaves. Is not that rather sad?

  Your picture I shall see abroad, if not yourself.

  I have been in town ever since 1st January when I wrote to you. I have had an outwardly gay and busy life, made many new acquaintance and two or three friends. Among these number two men of heroic blood, Cassius Clay who was here on Jan. 7th and Harro Harring, the Dane, a stormy nature but full and rich and with a childlike sweetness in him at times, when the vexed waves recede.

  All the little demons warn me, not to send this letter. First the headache, then I have dropped ink upon it, then let it go against the candle. But if thou be minded towards me as in thy last, all these threats will go for nothing; thou wilt take it in good part and tum the soiled and blotted leaves to precious purpose.

  Unless I hear from you again, I shall not write by steamer of 1st April. I want to know first that you are at home and how you are feeling. I want too that you should receive this. Nevertheless, if I have a letter from you in March that draws an answer, it will come in April. I shall now be overwhelmed with things to do for a while. I am to bring out my Miscellanies in two volumes, which will be a constant care, as they claim revisal and additions. I am also to keep on writing for the Tribune up to the last. I have some family troubles that keep obliging me to write to Massachusetts. In fine, if I saw you, I could say much, but at this crisis I cannot get repose of mind for it.

  When you receive this, breathe a prayer, that I may be sustained and aided by the Angels, for just now I need aid. On you my blessings always wait.

  P. S. I have a few days since a note from Mr. Delf. He had not heard from you.

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